On purpose or by accident, the people around you may attempt to manipulate you. They use manipulation techniques to win arguments, persuade you to take certain actions, or even as a form of defense. Understanding the various tactics that manipulators use and learning how to recognize them can help you avoid being taken advantage of. Below are the most common and simple tactics of manipulation techniques you will notice in your surroundings.
Using your first name
Have you ever noticed that someone keeps saying your first name repeatedly during a conversation? It turns out they might be trying to gain your trust and lower your guard. Studies have shown that hearing our own name can have a positive emotional effect on us and even improve our ability to remember information. When we hear our name, it captures our attention and makes us feel acknowledged and validated. If you notice someone using this tactic, try not to let it change how you feel about them or influence your decision.
Closed-ended questions
A closed-ended question is framed in a way that you have to choose from the list of possible answers presented to you. You get limited by the given options which are tailored by someone else. In comparison, the open-ended question gives you enough space to answer freely however you want.
- Should we go to the cinema or a restaurant vs. what do you want to do tonight?
- Do you like working in this company or not vs. how do you feel about working here?
Changing the subject
Moving the focus away from the main topic is one of the most used manipulation techniques and the format is very simple: You ask someone about “Topic A” and they answer by introducing “Topic B”. You get hooked on debating about “Topic B” and get distracted from the original question. This technique is also known as topic diversion.
Another subtle way to divert from the main topic is by answering a question with a question or by introducing an argument that is irrelevant to the original topic (Red herring logical fallacy).
- She: We said we were going to save money for our next vacation. Why are we eating at an expensive restaurant? He: Just give it a try and see if it reminds you of the dinner we had on our first date. Do you remember how awesome that night was?
In addition, overloading the conversation with many details is also a powerful method to control the discussion. By focusing on all presented arguments, you will be drawn away from the main topic.
Mirroring
The mirroring technique is commonly used to get someone’s trust by imitating their body gestures or vocally. It is one of the fundamental strategies experienced negotiators use, though most of the time many of us do it unconsciously without even realizing it. When you are fond of someone or agree with them on the current topic you might start mirroring them naturally. A typical example of mirroring another person is sitting or standing, crossing hands, speaking and even breathing in the exact same way.
In addition, repeating some parts of the sentence of the person you are talking to is the most powerful type of mirroring. It also shows that you are actively listening. An experiment showed that waiters received higher tips when they repeated customers’ orders exactly as they were given, without making any changes.
Guilt trip
The guilt trip is used to make you feel guilty, often for no justified reason. It is a highly effective way of making you doubt yourself and feel bad. The attackers use it to get attention, change the subject or avoid their own responsibility. The guilt trip appears most commonly in romantic relationships, friendships, and family relationships but it is not unusual to see it even at work.
- He: Wanna go jogging with me? She: Are you implying I’m fat?
- Parrent: I spent years of my life raising you but you don’t have time for a call.
- Manager: Are you sure you can’t join the meeting later today? I thought you are a team player.
Anchoring
Salespeople often use anchoring to try to sell their products at the highest possible price. The one who sets up the offer first, the “anchor”, has an advantage in the negotiation because any further discussion will continue around that initial offer.
- E-commerce websites: MVP or the “suggested price” is $129, you can get it for $89.
- If you want to sell wine that costs $200 or more, you should first show the customer wines that cost over $500.
The negotiation doesn’t even have to start with a discussion about the price. Just throwing a random high number at the beginning of the conversation will influence the other person to accept the higher offer.
Anchoring can be used in a very subtle way even at work.
- Manager: Can you finish the task in 2 days? Employee: Oh, 2 days might be tight, maybe in 3 days. VS. Manager: How much time do you need? Employee: Around 5 days to be on the safe side.
Hasty generalization
Hasty generalization is used to present faulty conclusions from insufficient information. The words such as always, no one, everyone, never, all, and none are often used when generalizing. The aim is to present additional, faulty arguments by generalizing in order to get more power over the conversation or guilt-tripping.
- (When you don’t do once what he wanted) He: You are never there for me!
- (When you don’t deliver the project on time) Manager: We are always late with the delivery!
Negging
Negging is a subtle way to hit on your self-confidence. It is a form of emotional manipulation that is carried out through sarcastic compliments or cynical comments to make you question your decisions and feel embarrassed and inferior.
- Are you sure you want that dessert you just ordered?
- Wow, I’d have never expected you would be able to solve that puzzle, you are actually very smart.
- We should complete this project on schedule, just like other teams are doing.
Blame shifting
Blame shifting is a method where others justify their actions by blaming you for their actions. No matter if you are “guilty” of what you are being accused of, the aim is to move the focus from the attacker’s own responsibility.
- I cheated on you because you are too busy working and can’t seem to find the time for me.
- I’m late for the meeting because I overslept after spending the whole night fixing your typos in the last report.
Silent treatment
The silent treatment, which is also called Stonewalling, is when someone refuses to talk or work with another person. This can make the “silent one” feel hurt and like a victim, while making you feel guilty or ashamed. People might use silent treatment to avoid a tough conversation, get attention, or put the blame on you. It’s a really bad form of emotional manipulation, especially when you don’t even know why it’s happening.
Expecting mind reading
When someone gets offended because you didn’t act as they expected, you will experience the “expecting mind reading” form of manipulation. The offended side usually doesn’t provide detailed information about their expectations but expects you will do things exactly how they imagined. Anything not done according to their plans would be a reason for aggression. It’s a powerful tool to gain control over the situation, switch subjects or to gaslight.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation that aims to create doubt and uncertainty in a target individual or group, causing them to doubt their own sanity and perception. It often includes telling blatant lies to make you think that you are crazy or remembering things incorrectly. The attacker carefully creates energy-draining attacks designed to make you weak and put you into defense mode.
- You said you want more time for yourself, that’s why I’m going out without you.
- You take everything too personally!
- Hey, you haven’t texted me back in a while. Is there a reason you’re avoiding me?
Triangulation
Triangulation is a manipulation technique where the manipulator brings the third person into the conversation to get more power or to avoid direct discussion. The third person might have already been under the influence of the manipulator. If the third person has more credibility in your eyes, the success of the manipulators succeeding in their intentions is even higher.
Emphasizing your right to choose
When we get a request ending with “it’s your choice”, “it’s totally up to you” or similar, we get a false sense of autonomy and control which in turn nudges us to comply with the request and say yes. Studies have shown that when strangers got asked for money they gave twice the amount when the request ended with “you are free to accept or to refuse”.
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In summary, recognizing manipulation is essential for protecting oneself from being taken advantage of. Being aware of the common signs of manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, flattery, making you doubt yourself, using threats or intimidation, and twisting the truth, can help you to identify manipulative behavior. If you suspect that someone is manipulating you, take steps to protect yourself by setting boundaries, being assertive, seeking support, and considering walking away if necessary.